Breaking up in the Facebook Era

Technology has both enhanced our lives and made it more difficult. We have always been interconnected, but now, social media has made it entirely obvious who is connected to whom and how. Luckily, I write this post from the perspective who of someone who has not been in a serious relationship since Facebook went viral, but as someone who has (amusedly sometimes and cringing other times) observed several of my friends break off serious relationships, engagements, or even get divorced during this era. Trust me, observing how complicated this process can be has made me glad to be single , and even more wary of what private information about who I'm dating I announce to my community of 400 or so facebook friends.

Used to be that you had to give him back his toothbrush and shaving cream, maybe a couple of books, his pajamas and some shirts. Or that she was moving out, and you had to figure out how to divide the furniture. Or that both your names were on the mortgage or credit cards.  And somehow you had to let the closer friends and family members, coworkers and neighbors know.  But now, there's a whole world out there watching--a world full of your facebook "friends," people you may not have seen or spoken to in decades, people you only met casually, who get to watch how the drama unwinds on the big screen (of their computer). And for you, who are going through the breakup, this is just one more thing to figure out, split up, grieve over, divide.

My advice as someone who has never gone through this but seen it happen many times?   After a breakup decision that appears to be final (maybe that is also a complicated thing to define?) I think the Facebook break needs to be quick, clean and complete. Meaning any new friends that you make from that point on should not be able to click on your profile and see that you were "in a relationship," photos from your engagement, or your honeymoon to Hawaii, etc, etc. They should have no idea that you were anything but single anytime in the recent past. This, I define, as a successful purge. This requires a lot of time combing through facebook, deleting photos, wall posts, untagging yourself. Seems like it would be really messy. And in my opinion, the most important thing?  Defriending your ex. So that you're not sneaking peeks at each others' FB pages or trying to avoid doing so, or wondering what they will think if so and so leaves a flirty comment on your wall,etc.   If you want to be friends in person, be friends (although I have my doubts as to the success of this), but don't be FB friends. It's just too complicated.

Let me tell you a funny story. A few months ago I asked this man out who I had met several years ago. Before I did it, I "Facebooked" him to make sure he wasn't married or dating someone. I didn't see anything obvious, so I sent him an email requesting a date. Soon after that, "doh!" I noticed a comment on one of his FB profile photos "Hey dude, I heard you got married. Who's the lucky girl?" I cursed myself for not discovering this in time and wanted to retract my email. Turns out he accepted my date request, and wasn't wearing a ring, but even to this day I don't know if he's married :-). In all seriousness, this was a major error on his part--that wall post should've been deleted, because one day the woman of his dreams isn't going to ask him out because she thinks he's married. You just never know. So, go clean.