Men and Multitasking. Can he date you if his career is in flux?

I have a feeling I'm going to dig myself into a hole here.  Despite that, I'm going to proceed.  I've been thiking about this topic for a while, and chatting with both men and women about it.
In the past four months, I have been on dates with three different men who have had fluctuant careers.  One of them was an MD-PhD who is doing a post-doc, which means a hectic schedule and many hours in the lab.  Two of them worked for or were founding members for start-ups in San Francisco.  Two of these men I only went on one date with.  One of them was somewhat interested but could only manage one date and canceled the second citing busy-ness with his job.  The third, I went on four dates with.  Let's call him Daniel.

Daniel was attractive, extremely intelligent, thoughtful, and had a sweet smile and good old Midwestern manners.  He was also in his late 30's, lived with roommates, and worked for a start-up he felt passionately about that paid him no money.  He was well-rounded, creative, artistic, active, and taught me something new everytime I went on a date with him.  I also learned as early as the first date that he was losing sleep over his job situation.  I immediately noted it as a red flag worth following.  In the end, this was the red flag that did us in.  Despite good chemistry and a great intellectual connection, Daniel was too wound up in his career/financial situation to be open to a relationship.  And I had already guessed that this would likely be the case, despite the fact that I was (surprising to myself) willing to be patient about the situation.

Psychologists have long studied the multi-tasking abilities of men and women.  In general, women are much better multi-taskers.  This probably has an evolutionary basis--women historically (and still) need to balance children, domestic affairs, and now add in career mix.  Men have evolved to be better at single-tasking--i.e.  focus on hunting, focus on sex, etc.  So, it makes sense that several men I have dated are unable to multitask dating and their careers.  But I think it's more complicated than that.

I think there is this societal (or perceived internal) pressure on men to be the "breadwinners."  Now, if you look at this NY Times article on "More Men Marrying Wealthier Women," you'll realize that we are at a crossroads in history today, where women of a certain generation are generally more likely to have college degrees and careers that earn a high income than men.  That historical shift has still not intersected with men pressuring themselves to be "settled" in their careers.  I had an interesting discussion with one of my male family members a few months ago.  He is in his mid-twenties and has been dating his girlfriend for several years.  When I asked him if he thought he would marry her, he said he wouldn't be able to decide for many more years, until he finished medical school and residency.  The truth was, he just didn't know.  And he wouldn't know until he was "settled." 

In a discussion with a female friend last night about the woes of dating in San Francisco, we realized that the men we complain about--the ones who are flaky about dating because they are working for start-ups, have erratic hours, feel unsettled--are also the ones we find interesting.  Perhaps it is because that kind of work attracts people who are intelligent, passionate, and ambitious--all characteristics that we find highly desirable in a mate.  Or perhaps we are just suckers.  Or perhaps it is just that a city like San Francisco attracts so many of these men that they make up a good portion of the single male pool.  Whatever it is, in the end it always comes down to timing.  His cab light will only go on once he feels like he's financially stable.  And at that point, the next woman who gets into the cab is in for the ride of a lifetime.   Until then, I guess I'll just keep paying my fare.