Conversations About Dating

Breaking up in the Facebook Era

2010-04-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

Technology has both enhanced our lives and made it more difficult. We have always been interconnected, but now, social media has made it entirely obvious who is connected to whom and how. Luckily, I write this post from the perspective who of someone who has not been in a serious relationship since Facebook went viral, but as someone who has (amusedly sometimes and cringing other times) observed several of my friends break off serious relationships, engagements, or even get divorced during this era. Trust me, observing how complicated this process can be has made me glad to be single , and even more wary of what private information about who I'm dating I announce to my community of 400 or so facebook friends.

Used to be that you had to give him back his toothbrush and shaving cream, maybe a couple of books, his pajamas and some shirts. Or that she was moving out, and you had to figure out how to divide the furniture. Or that both your names were on the mortgage or credit cards. And somehow you had to let the closer friends and family members, coworkers and neighbors know. But now, there's a whole world out there watching--a world full of your facebook "friends," people you may not have seen or spoken to in decades, people you only met casually, who get to watch how the drama unwinds on the big screen (of their computer). And for you, who are going through the breakup, this is just one more thing to figure out, split up, grieve over, divide.

My advice as someone who has never gone through this but seen it happen many times? After a breakup decision that appears to be final (maybe that is also a complicated thing to define?) I think the Facebook break needs to be quick, clean and complete. Meaning any new friends that you make from that point on should not be able to click on your profile and see that you were "in a relationship," photos from your engagement, or your honeymoon to Hawaii, etc, etc. They should have no idea that you were anything but single anytime in the recent past. This, I define, as a successful purge. This requires a lot of time combing through facebook, deleting photos, wall posts, untagging yourself. Seems like it would be really messy. And in my opinion, the most important thing? Defriending your ex. So that you're not sneaking peeks at each others' FB pages or trying to avoid doing so, or wondering what they will think if so and so leaves a flirty comment on your wall,etc. If you want to be friends in person, be friends (although I have my doubts as to the success of this), but don't be FB friends. It's just too complicated.

Let me tell you a funny story. A few months ago I asked this man out who I had met several years ago. Before I did it, I "Facebooked" him to make sure he wasn't married or dating someone. I didn't see anything obvious, so I sent him an email requesting a date. Soon after that, "doh!" I noticed a comment on one of his FB profile photos "Hey dude, I heard you got married. Who's the lucky girl?" I cursed myself for not discovering this in time and wanted to retract my email. Turns out he accepted my date request, and wasn't wearing a ring, but even to this day I don't know if he's married :-). In all seriousness, this was a major error on his part--that wall post should've been deleted, because one day the woman of his dreams isn't going to ask him out because she thinks he's married. You just never know. So, go clean.

Men and Multitasking. Can he date you if his career is in flux?

2010-04-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling I'm going to dig myself into a hole here. Despite that, I'm going to proceed. I've been thiking about this topic for a while, and chatting with both men and women about it.
In the past four months, I have been on dates with three different men who have had fluctuant careers. One of them was an MD-PhD who is doing a post-doc, which means a hectic schedule and many hours in the lab. Two of them worked for or were founding members for start-ups in San Francisco. Two of these men I only went on one date with. One of them was somewhat interested but could only manage one date and canceled the second citing busy-ness with his job. The third, I went on four dates with. Let's call him Daniel.

Daniel was attractive, extremely intelligent, thoughtful, and had a sweet smile and good old Midwestern manners. He was also in his late 30's, lived with roommates, and worked for a start-up he felt passionately about that paid him no money. He was well-rounded, creative, artistic, active, and taught me something new everytime I went on a date with him. I also learned as early as the first date that he was losing sleep over his job situation. I immediately noted it as a red flag worth following. In the end, this was the red flag that did us in. Despite good chemistry and a great intellectual connection, Daniel was too wound up in his career/financial situation to be open to a relationship. And I had already guessed that this would likely be the case, despite the fact that I was (surprising to myself) willing to be patient about the situation.

Psychologists have long studied the multi-tasking abilities of men and women. In general, women are much better multi-taskers. This probably has an evolutionary basis--women historically (and still) need to balance children, domestic affairs, and now add in career mix. Men have evolved to be better at single-tasking--i.e. focus on hunting, focus on sex, etc. So, it makes sense that several men I have dated are unable to multitask dating and their careers. But I think it's more complicated than that.

I think there is this societal (or perceived internal) pressure on men to be the "breadwinners." Now, if you look at this NY Times article on "More Men Marrying Wealthier Women," you'll realize that we are at a crossroads in history today, where women of a certain generation are generally more likely to have college degrees and careers that earn a high income than men. That historical shift has still not intersected with men pressuring themselves to be "settled" in their careers. I had an interesting discussion with one of my male family members a few months ago. He is in his mid-twenties and has been dating his girlfriend for several years. When I asked him if he thought he would marry her, he said he wouldn't be able to decide for many more years, until he finished medical school and residency. The truth was, he just didn't know. And he wouldn't know until he was "settled."

In a discussion with a female friend last night about the woes of dating in San Francisco, we realized that the men we complain about--the ones who are flaky about dating because they are working for start-ups, have erratic hours, feel unsettled--are also the ones we find interesting. Perhaps it is because that kind of work attracts people who are intelligent, passionate, and ambitious--all characteristics that we find highly desirable in a mate. Or perhaps we are just suckers. Or perhaps it is just that a city like San Francisco attracts so many of these men that they make up a good portion of the single male pool. Whatever it is, in the end it always comes down to timing. His cab light will only go on once he feels like he's financially stable. And at that point, the next woman who gets into the cab is in for the ride of a lifetime. Until then, I guess I'll just keep paying my fare.

The death of the phone call

2010-03-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Somehow, in the past couple of years in San Francisco (can't speak for elsewhere), men who are attempting to court women have stopped calling them.
I remember back when (and this probably dates me) I used to get love letters in high school and college, laced with a little cologne (yes, cheesy) and filled with flowery words with the undertone of passion. Those days, I realize, are long gone and possibly replaced by a quick email with no subject line, a greeting that says Hey,(and not even my name) and a couple of lines probably jotted down while multitasking at work on the phone and gmail chat. But that lamenting, alas, may be for another post.

What I've been noticing recently (both in my own life and those of friends who complain about their dating life) is that the phone call seems to have died as a mode of communication. Now if you're meeting someone online, I'm all for just meeting before chatting on the phone. But alas, after that, it used to be that men called to ask for a second date. Or, if you meet someone out and about, that they would get your number and call you. However, I have noticed a culture shift recently--a flurry of text messages and emails to communicate interest, and to plan future dates. This may be a Bay area thing, as I still know some people in the Midwest and South who don't even have a text message plan, but it may be a trend that will soon envelop the country as technology often spreads from Silicon Valley.

Now to be fair, I am not laying the blame on men. I myself tend to text and email friends more than calling to set up plans. I feel it is easier to not interrupt them, and I myself now have a 24 hour turn-around time for listening to voice messages that people leave me (with some exceptions). But it is interesting to observe that in these times when we are always on the run, multitasking all the time, that connecting in real-time over the phone with someone we like is as likely as expecting him to show up at my front door with a horse carriage and buggy.

One of my friends had a recent dating experience where she went on half a dozen dates with this man (who worked in technology--welcome to the bay area) and they only had one phone conversation during their courtship (and that was him breaking up with her). She deduced that if a man doesn't call, he's not interested (or in her case, interested in breaking up). I'm curious as to what the men out there think. I think that if a man does call, he's definitely interested. If he doesn't call, he may be interested, busy or ambivalent. It's hard to tell. But one thing is certain--an email deserves an email back, a text a text and a phone call another in response. So if you're dying for him to call you, just call him first.

Another one of my friends who lives in Chicago tells me that men call for second dates there. If she doesn't like them, she doesn't answer their phone calls, but then texts them back to tell them she is not interested. Cruel or practical? You decide.

So, advice for the men out there--women love it when you call. Advice for the women--I think the phone call is close to becoming extinct. Good luck!

How to write a good online dating introductory email

2010-03-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

Online dating. It's the thing to do. And for some reason, my friends have recently been requesting "templates" from me. Apparently, I'm supposed to be the expert on this. I'm not sure if I should be flattered. So, here's my "template" for an online dating email (yes, I believe it is OK for the woman to initiate contact with the man). If you don't believe in such gender equity, my template may not be for you. The template is also gender neutral, as I don't believe in traditional roles. Remember, this is just a basic template, but you must modify to bring out your own personality flares/humor.

My "template" is based on a few basic assumptions:
1. I already find the person's profile who I am writing to interesting enough that I would likely be willing to meet them.
2. Be nice. Meaning, treat others, and write to others how you would like to be written to.
3. Make it personal. This is about dating. So, draw on their personality traits that you like, the activities you both enjoy, something specific they wrote.
4. Less is more.

So, a typical email goes like this:

Insert interesting subject line based upon something specific in their profile

Hey,
I really enjoyed reading your profile (show them you are interested). You seem [insert 3 adjectives based upon an in-depth reading of their profile, for example--laid back, genuine, sincere, fun-loving, adventurous, yada yada]. (show them you are good at reading their words).
You'll find we have several things in common [list a few] (again, specifics and commonalities). I actually hiked Mount Tam last week/ "The Alchemist" is also my favorite book too/ What's your favorite restaurant in SF? (getting more specific, engaging them with specifics and questions).
[Insert a couple of lines about yourself.] (No long bios please--they can read your profile.) I hope you check out my profile (invite them to check out your profile).
Hope to hear back from you! (end with something positive). Good luck in your search (more positive).

Sign (your name, your nickname, your initials, whatever you feel comfortable divulging to a complete stranger who has a 20% chance of even writing you back).

You get the point. Any questions? Comments? My perspective is that of a woman writing a man, but to be honest, I think it works well both ways. If I got an email like the one above, I would likely respond. Men, do NOT, (I repeat, DO NOT) compliment a woman on her curves/bustiness/body/ etc. in your initial email if you desire a response. We know that's what all men are ultimately looking for, but we'd like you to pretend at least for a little while...
Also, no chain emails. They are obvious, and they go directly to the trash can, even if you think they are not, or even if you personalize the first two lines out of the 100 (the other 98 being irrelevant information about yourself that I don't need to know initially).

Alright, good luck!

Are you a friend or an F-buddy?

2010-03-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

Although I'm primarily retired from the dating blogging world, a friend sent me a graph recently that I couldn't resist not posting...
So here it is....
Does this ring true for you?

I've started writing my new book...

2009-12-23T12:26:00.000-08:00

...I take you to an excerpt from my new book, on my other blog...
A piece about an experience I had as a medical student during my Gynecology rotation

The end of a Relationship

2009-12-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

Relationships come into our lives for many reasons. Some teach us about ourselves. Others teach us how to negotiate well. The best relationships expand our perspective about the world and teach us how to be better people. And not all relationships are forever. Fleeting moments are not wasted moments; rather, I believe we learn from every moment--whether it is filled with sorrow or joy.

And so, with a heavy heart but a clear mind, I have made two decisions this past week. The first decision is to not pursue market publication of my first book about online dating. In reality, the book was about my difficulty in grieving over the end of a relationship, and my healing process facilitated by online dating. My second decision is to retire from the dating blogging world. Of course, these decisions are intricately related.

To be a writer in the end, is to enjoy the process of writing. When I write, words pour out onto the page in kind explanation to how I must have been feeling. However, to publish is an entirely different process--one in which the publisher "markets" the book to make money. A lot of time the writer has little control over this process. For me, this was such a personal book that I desire retaining control. And so, I have decided not to pursue the arduous process of seeking agents, pubicists, publishers, etc. etc. I may still publish the book digitally a few months down the line to have it available for friends to buy, but that decision is still underway.

I truly enjoyed the process of writing. Writing a memoir is incredibly healing. This being my first book, it's kind of equivalent to the feeling of having run my first marathon (although admittedly this task took me longer than a marathon)--the feeling of doing everything for the first time, and of being amazed that I was able to accomplish something I never thought I could. In addition, I learned so much, with the help of the amazing members of my writing group who painstakingly read and critiqued every word of my manuscripts, as well as kind friends who showed interest in reading it throughout. I learned how to write a book. I learned how to write period. And for this, I am a better writer, and a better person. I now view the world through the eyes of a writer, a new perspective. Remember how I just wrote that relationships bring us new perspectives?

For the past 2 years, writing this book has taken the place of a relationship--provided me with opportunities to grow and learn, expand my perspective, negotiate with the demons within, and ultimately teach me about myself. But like many good relationships, it was right for two years but no longer is.
Let's be honest--no one wants to date a dating blogger--it is easy to google me and find my blog, and men I date are afraid I will write about them even if I promise not to. Even though that could be my reason for "retiring," it is not. It is simply that my heart is not in it anymore. That I no longer feel like writing about dating is helping me grow as a person. In fact, I have had writers' block for the past two months, and making this decision has helped me begin my next book--the one I may one day want to publish--the one about "The Making of a Primary Care Doctor," describing my international, life and doctoring experiences...although not as juicy of a topic, it is a lot closer to my heart and thus I feel my writing is already better.
So, adieu for now, and I highly appreciate all the support and interest in my blog. I truly hope you will continue to follow me as a writer, as an artist is only such through the eyes of her readers. I appreciate every time you have clicked on my blog or forwarded it to your friends. A few of my friends have expressed desires to take over this blog; however, I doubt they are serious. So, if you are a follower, or a reader, I hope you will continue to follow, or read, on my companion blog in which I will continue to write--Beans' Travel and Life Blog: the World through the Eyes of a Primary Care Doctor....
Happy Holidays everyone, and may you all follow the light that shines through your hearts as we approach the beginning of a new decade...

Dating Men with Children...

2009-12-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

Before we embark on this (serious) topic, my disclaimer is that I am writing this from the perspective of a single, childless female who would someday like to have children of her own. And nor do I represent all single childless females...
I am also writing as someone who has tried (with difficulty) to date (at least one) man with a child. And by "men with children" I don't merely mean someone who has fathered children and then abandoned them. I mean someone who is currently acting as a responsible father and engaging in some form of shared custody.

The positives:
1. Men with children tend to be gentle-spirited. Having a child, and also being one of the primary care-takers of said child (meaning shared custody) opens up a person's tender side in a way nothing else does. This is true of both men and women--I have female friends who were more tender, gentle mothers than I ever expected having known them in their childless years. Men who are emotionally open in this way are attractive.
2. Men with children have more priorities than going out to the sports bar and having a beer, watching the latest football game, or partying it up until the sun rises. They tend to be more mature and well -balanced. Again, attractive.
3. Men with children aren't afraid to have children.
4. Men with children aren't looking for women to take care of them. They can take care of themselves and a child.

The difficulties:
1. Before the relationship gets "serious," it is hard to know if/when/how to involve the child. Depending on the age of the child, this may be variable.
2. Invariably, it is hard to date a man with child without trying to visualize yourself as the step-mother. Because of this, the relationship can move faster/get more serious quicker than one is accustomed to.
3. The child is always the priority. This is utterly understandable. But this may be difficult for a lot of women (sans children) to understand or accomodate.
4. Men with children are still on some level connected to and/or interacting with their ex, by way of logistics of sharing the responsibility for another little human being. Again, this may be difficult for some women.
5. It's complicated. I don't think this warrants more explanation.

More (sadly) funny online dating emails...sigh...

2009-12-09T21:41:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am still online dating. Although that may be a somewhat semantic declaration. And some (including myself) may wonder if I'm online just for the mere amusement of documenting the highly inappropriate emails I receive.

So, as a sequel to Winning Online Dating Emails I got this week, I bring you Part II--Can Any Men out there spell, or use commas or proper punctuation? And can you all please stop writing "LOL" in your emails to me. I'm not a 17 year old texting teenie-bopper...

Here we go...

1. 34 year old man with no photo posted

Hi !!

RRRRRRinnngggg!! Rrrrrring!!!! Rrring your cell phone is ringing off the hook!!!!! just me saying "Hello!!". ok ok i wouldnt know what to say now but may be down the road I come up with something. Until then !!! Have a happy mushroom risotto day !!!!! bonne appetite!!! !

2. 39 year old man who has posted several photos of himself with another woman his age...his sister? his maid? his secretary?

Hi

your cute:)

If you're going to write me four words (given that "you" and "are" are separate words), and 50% of them are basically incorrectly spelled, don't expect a response, Mr. Man with Cute Secretary. :) right back at you.

3. 38 year old man with unflattering photos (let's leave it at that)

hi i like you vary much you like to marry me i buy new huose i need a wife

Hmmm.... I not realy sure if me wanta be merried too u. Nuf said. And I'm not sure if this wins my "favorite" of the week or the next one.

4. 47 year old man from Las Vegas with no photo posted, and no profile posted--meaning I can see nothing about him...

What a great spirit you are....

Hello:

Your profile suggested that you were on 'IM' mode and so I tried to initiate a conversation with you, unbeknown to me that the system was foolling me...LOL! Well when I found that out then I decided to fool it back by finding a way to forward the transcripts of what could have been my side of the conversation to you, should you have been there. I just thought it were nice for you to 'sense' my thrend of thought.

I am very taken by the way you think and most especially, your simple but yet 'penetrating' style. I share your fundamental Truism, "...the world is round and oblong......." and its subordinate, "...the most important thing in life...'
which evokes my appetite to want to find support for your reasoning by adding the one other well known Truism, which is that .....as certain as it is that the Sun will rise tomorrow, it is certain you and I WILL build A respectul and enduring friendship.

Please I would like you to sense my mind first, from this little epilogue so, when you find my picture you may have a better understand of the 'kindred' spirit that is reaching out to you. If I may hunbly beg you permission to explain, that that was the primary reason why I did not display my picuture on the site. In a way, I yearned that that one special person whom I am trying to find in this 'jungle' of a site, first reaches my MIND before she finds my face. And if you would trust me in what I tell you, I started taking interest in reading your profile only after the words 'My Tuisms' caught my eyes.

Believe me the strong and beautiful mind of a GOOD woman will stand the test of a tumoiltous world of marriage with all its tribulations long after the beauty of HER face had faded. My patients will linger on till I find that mind.. and I think I am near to it now and who knows if it is you. Yes beautiful, tell me what you think.

I'm not sure whether to be touched or scared. For now I have chosen the latter and blocked this guy from contacting me as he has sent me this email already twice. Chain email? Possibly. Probably. Do men really think they can win women over with this stuff? Wow.

Alas, onto yet another week...maybe I'll have more amusing stories to share with you next week--stay tuned!

The Intelligent Relationship

2009-12-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

Define "intelligent" as you may, I wanted to add to my recent series of "intelligent"dating. To me, an intelligent relationship is one which works--where the pain and joy, ebbs and flows, are negotiated equitably. This is an appropriate progression of my "intelligent dating" series, which includes:
Part I (Dating Intelligent Women), Part II (continued), Part III (What is an Intelligent Woman?) and Part IV (The Intelligent Man).

What is an Intelligent Relationship?
1. Equitable is the key word. If there is great inequity, the relationship is imbalanced, and one person is always in control. Equitability is defined by the two people in the relationship. For me, equivalent intelligence is important. For someone else, it may be equitable physical attractiveness, or income, or social status, or often--a mix of these characteristics. For example, if you see a really hot woman with a not-so-hot man, it may be that he is rich. In other words, his value for her physical attractiveness is equivalent to her value for his income. Make sense?
2. Communication. Despite men being from Mars and women from Venus (not that I believe that, really), the ability to communicate is essential in a twenty-first century relationship. It may not mean that both people agree, but both must be able to express themselves in a manner the other can (eventually) understand.
3. Negotiation. Give and take. Both people need to have a sense of when to let go and when to fight the good fight for what they want. It's certainly easier being single and having your own way, but part of deciding to be in a couple is understanding that you may sacrifice some level of decision-making for good company.
4. Independence. The happiest couples (from my years of keen observation and having been in good relationships myself) are the ones who each pursue their independent hobbies, and spend independent "girl" or "boy" time with their friends. Spending time away from your significant other, and still growing as an individual, is what keeps the passion alive in a relationship.
5. Love. You may notice that I placed it last. Although love may be the hook, I believe #1-#4 are the glue. Love is what allows us to communicate, negotiate, and support each others' independence in a relationship, but these factors are also what cause love to deepen.

Do you have an intelligent relationship or are looking for one? I think we all should be...

The Intelligent Man

2009-12-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

If we talking intelligence in dating here, we might as well address the other half of the equation.
What makes an intelligent man? Now, I have a feeling I'm about to get myself in trouble, but since I had no male volunteers to write this section, you must understand that I am only writing this from the perspective of an intelligent woman.
What is an intelligent man? Or rather the question may be what do I wish an intelligent man "be" like? And yes, there is a subtle difference between these two...
1. Although there are a lot of intelligent people in the world out there who have not had the privilege to be college-educated, my ideal intelligent man needs to have a college degree at the very least. This would ensure a shared educational experience at some level, and perhaps a more likely shared understanding of the world. Any degrees beyond college are a plus. Unlike women, men with extra letters after their names typically fare quite well in the dating world. In fact, I find it a little disgusting and obnoxious when male physicians flaunt their degrees online, "SFdoc93" or "hotMD"...Please, are you looking for a trophy wife or an intellectual equivalent? Oh, sorry, I think I just answered my own question.

2. Although some degree of social awkwardness is to be expected in intelligent men, please be able to open your mouth and have a conversation with me, and possibly with my friends or random people that does not involve the technicalities of a)your job, b)football or some other sports, or c)your computer or Iphone.

3. An intelligent man would know who he is. This is a lot harder than it may appear. For example, I met a guy today at an art show. We got to talking and I guessed on a hunch that he wrote poetry. He admitted it, but told me not to spread the news. Later, as we were looking at photography, he admired a photo of leaves with some flower petals on them and told me he couldn't buy that because women would think he was gay. This is a man who isn't comfortable with himself. He must portray an exterior to the world that is different than the core of his being. Women pick up on this. As for myself, I think a man who writes poetry, and one who dares to put up photographs of flowers despite what the world may think of him is a truly intelligent man. The other men out there, I refer to as "half-baked..."

4. An intelligent man is--and listen guys, this is the most important thing--able to appreciate an intelligent woman for all the qualities she brings to the table. In fact he is able to adore her, including her ability to take charge of a situation. Despite that, he is capable of picking up the phone and making dinner reservations somewhere special, or surprising her with a romantic weekend away. C'mon I've already showed you I can take care of myself and you, so now be a man and do something useful. No matter how confident and in control a woman is, every woman loves surprises.

Alright men and women, I'm sure I missed some things...anything to add to the list?

What is an Intelligent Woman?

2009-12-02T23:52:00.000-08:00

I already warned you that there would be several posts in this series, so bear with me. As a follow-up to Dating Intelligent Women Part I, and Part II, I thought it essential that we define the creature to whom we refer. So, here goes...and feel free to add anything I may have left out. And I apologize in advance for my extreme sarcasm...
1. At least college-educated. Often graduate degree educated--Master's, PhD, or professional degree like MD or JD. The more letters that go after her name, the harder it gets to find a date. I've got MD, MPH.
2. Thoughtful about the world. Has opinions about politics, the war in Afghanistan, global warming, gay marriage, you name it. And she's not afraid to share them.
3. Socially intelligent. Knows how to network with people. Knows how to read people. Meaning she knows if you want to just knock her up or if you're actually interested in her mind. If it's the former, she may play along because she's decided that's all you're good for anyways.
4. Emotionally intelligent. This overlaps in a Venn diagram kind of way with #3. She is able to empathize with you, as well as analyze her feelings about you. This happens both in the recesses of her mind as well as at the spa or gym locker room with her girl friends. Yes, women do locker room talk better than men...which brings me to...
5. Sexually intelligent. She is mature and intelligent enough to know about STDs and birth control. And that may mean that she'll "accidentally" miss a pill so that she can finally have that baby, but what that means most of the time is that she'll take care of herself. And she's also experienced enough to ask for what she wants in bed.

I know a lot of these women. They are doctors, nurses, lawyers, engineers, and other professionals, who are well-read, well-rounded and often puzzlingly single. It may actually be that they have too much going for them. Most of them, in fact, feel very satisfied with their lives. Which means that unless men present them with a better option than themselves (read the description above #1 to #5) and show them a path to happiness that is brighter than the one they are already on, they are going to stay put. They know they too have options, they have worked hard to get to where they are, and they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

Don't get me wrong--all of these women LOVE it when a man takes care of them, but he should match what they bring to the table. So, now who wants to write about "intelligent men?"

Dating Intelligent Women--continuing the conversation

2009-12-01T22:05:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting comment on my blog entry "Dating Intelligent Women" from an anonymous blogger and wanted to share it with all... My comments are at the end...

ormer-anon said...: there are far more single intelligent women out there in their thirties than single intelligent men. There's a lot of IQ data out there that generally concludes - - AVERAGE male / female IQ is ~equivalent - MEN have more variance in their distribution = more male geniuses & idiots vs. females. For ex., of those scoring a perfect 800 Math SAT, men outnumber women by about 2:1. - Places like the Bay Area attracts career transplants, thus those on the right side of the IQ distribution, thus more men... There are, however, some of the "optical effects" at play - - because of the curve shapes, if you cut out the bottom 1/3 of the distribution, there are more women than men. So, back when only 10-20% of the population went to college, men outnumbered women... Now that 40-60% go to college, some campuses have more women than men. - IQ is a composite and the component skills have different distributions .... Generally, women score higher on Verbal (talking) and Emotional (recognizing other's intentions, "playing well with others") while men score higher on abstract / numerical skills (e.g. math, theory). As I've argued earlier, for reasons both good and bad, school has become far more of a game of "did I do what the teacher wants" vs. "am I gaining skills to conquer the world?" --> so school, in a broad sense, has become more conducive to female IQ, sitting still in desks, etc. SO... if you're measuring "intelligence" based on - social confidence (dressing fashionably, catching social nuances, etc.) --> yep, there are more "smart" women because, this is the female "component" of smart... - "Ed Creds" --> yep, more "smart" women fill many ranks of "higher ed" (Liberal Arts Masters programs, in particular, are notoriously female dominated nowadays) However, what you're rather emphatically NOT counting are the high IQ dudes that make up the bread&butter of silicon valley. Alas, for many SF girls, these thousand of single dudes are invisible. Why? Alpha. I'd assert this is the single largest element of SFBay's "dating gap." Now, for the more suave guys who are more likely to show up on the radar - there's an additional factor at play... for a LOT of these single guys, a primary "application" of their high IQ's is.... improving their game with "hot" women... implicitly/explicitly, they are motiviated by the flock of hotties career success attracts. Alas, for these guys, a woman's intelligence is a (potentially big) bonus point rather than the "table stakes" for the game. After all, if he wants to have a high IQ conversation - particularly in the abstract, numerical "male" IQ sense - he can chat with guy friends about the recently published Federal Reserve Bank stats, etc... subjects a high IQ gal pal simply isn't as likely to be into. Get past all of this, then yes, I suppose a "firm tone", "refined humor", etc. apply...

This is a topic worthy of some discussion, and probably multiple posts. I've been thinking about this dilemma lately, as it pertains to my own dating life and that of my other very well-educated, single female friends. And there's an epidemic of very intelligent single women out there--about to become a pandemic, I think. In fact, I don't think I would be wrong to postulate that there are far more single intelligent women out there in their thirties than single intelligent men. Now, how you define intelligence is an entirely different topic altogether (and I won't discuss that today), but it's just my theory...
So, realizing that this topic may be worthy of several posts, I wanted to start with the obvious--a Google search on "dating intelligent women." At the top of the list I found this interesting article in the free.library.com. I actually found it interesting enough that I'm including some of it below--basically advice on whether or not men should even try to date an intelligent woman. I found the advice amusing, but sadly, true: My comments are in red for YOUR entertainment. Here goes:

Remember, its not easy dating an intelligent woman. (Probably true) Intelligent women are often too choosy about their dates. (why shouldn't we be choosy?) You need to know what an intelligent woman looks for in her date. Here are a few traits that an intelligent woman likes to see in her date. Unless you possess some, or all of these traits, it is not a good idea to think of dating an intelligent woman.

1. High degree of intelligence and confidence ? (Yes, I do desire the ability to converse on the same intellectual level as my partner and it is true that this is my #1 requirement. If they are intelligent, I will respect them more, and mutual respect goes a long way in forming the foundation for a relationship).The first and foremost quality that a smart and intelligent woman wants to see in her date is an equal degree of intelligence and confidence to match her own. If you do not possess these two basic attributes, you should forget about dating an intelligent woman. Well said.

2. Firm and persuasive tone ? Intelligent women admire a person who is thoroughly convincing and who is able to make well-informed decisions. If you want to win her over with authority and compulsion, you will receive a very big blow to your ego. Although intelligent women appreciate men who can challenge them with their wit and intellect, they hate it when men are too pushy. So, it is always better to use a firm but persuasive tone to mold her your way. Gosh, this is SO true. Reminds me of the time when a first date tried to convince me (with authority and compulsion) that I would love skiing despite the fact that I told him I already hated it after having tried it. And men who are able to be decisive are SO much more attractive than indecisive ones. Yes, I'm an intelligent woman, but be a man. Make some decisions.

3. Use refined humor to entertain her ? You cannot impress an intelligent woman with flattery or by showering her with gifts and presents. Oh, how true. I dislike flattery. However, you can impress her with your sharp wit and good sense of humor. Cheap jokes will only earn you negative points. Especially racist and homophobic ones. So, use strikingly clever and refined humor to entertain her. It is safe to avoid pungency, though, in your humor.

4. Modesty and humbleness ? Intelligent women are rarely arrogant because knowledge infuses humility in their personality. Therefore, they do not like proud and haughty men. Rather, they prefer modesty and humbleness in their men. Oh, how very true. Impress me with your modesty.

5. Matured thinking and behavior ? Childishness, immaturity and impractical behavior are an absolute turn off for intelligent women. Therefore, if you are considering dating and intelligent woman, then carry out a little introspection to ensure that you are quite practical and mature enough in your outlook and behavior. I would assume that this would be true for any relationship, so it goes for intelligent women...

So, interesting advice on how to date intelligent women...this may be it for tonight, but stay tuned for Part II--why are there so many intelligent women out there and who are they supposed to date?

So, food for thought--there may be an equivalent number of average IQ people out there, but this brings us to what each gender feels is important. A lot of "smart" men (and for this purpose let's just use IQ but I argue that intelligence has more to do with that a standardized test) don't mind dating women who are less "smart." Therefore, "x" number of intelligent men are already married. Whereas, a lot of "smart" women want to date "smart" or "smarter" men, most of whom are already married. That is why I think we see so many single women out there. And who do they date? Well, I learned many years ago in a sociology class in college that research shows that the more educated a woman is, the higher the likelihood that she'll self-identify as lesbian. Whereas with males, the percentage of gay men stays the same across educational status. Why does this happen? Well, my theory is that the smart women decide to date smart women. Maybe that's the smartest thing to do?

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Dating Intelligent Women

2009-11-30T19:41:00.000-08:00

Remember, its not easy dating an intelligent woman. (Probably true) Intelligent women are often too choosy about their dates. (why shouldn't we be choosy?) You need to know what an intelligent woman looks for in her date. Here are a few traits that an intelligent woman likes to see in her date. Unless you possess some, or all of these traits, it is not a good idea to think of dating an intelligent woman.

1. High degree of intelligence and confidence ? (Yes, I do desire the ability to converse on the same intellectual level as my partner and it is true that this is my #1 requirement. If they are intelligent, I will respect them more, and mutual respect goes a long way in forming the foundation for a relationship).The first and foremost quality that a smart and intelligent woman wants to see in her date is an equal degree of intelligence and confidence to match her own. If you do not possess these two basic attributes, you should forget about dating an intelligent woman. Well said.

2. Firm and persuasive tone ? Intelligent women admire a person who is thoroughly convincing and who is able to make well-informed decisions. If you want to win her over with authority and compulsion, you will receive a very big blow to your ego. Although intelligent women appreciate men who can challenge them with their wit and intellect, they hate it when men are too pushy. So, it is always better to use a firm but persuasive tone to mold her your way. Gosh, this is SO true. Reminds me of the time when a first date tried to convince me (with authority and compulsion) that I would love skiing despite the fact that I told him I already hated it after having tried it. And men who are able to be decisive are SO much more attractive than indecisive ones. Yes, I'm an intelligent woman, but be a man. Make some decisions.

3. Use refined humor to entertain her ? You cannot impress an intelligent woman with flattery or by showering her with gifts and presents. Oh, how true. I dislike flattery. However, you can impress her with your sharp wit and good sense of humor. Cheap jokes will only earn you negative points. Especially racist and homophobic ones. So, use strikingly clever and refined humor to entertain her. It is safe to avoid pungency, though, in your humor.

4. Modesty and humbleness ? Intelligent women are rarely arrogant because knowledge infuses humility in their personality. Therefore, they do not like proud and haughty men. Rather, they prefer modesty and humbleness in their men. Oh, how very true. Impress me with your modesty.

5. Matured thinking and behavior ? Childishness, immaturity and impractical behavior are an absolute turn off for intelligent women. Therefore, if you are considering dating and intelligent woman, then carry out a little introspection to ensure that you are quite practical and mature enough in your outlook and behavior. I would assume that this would be true for any relationship, so it goes for intelligent women...

So, interesting advice on how to date intelligent women...this may be it for tonight, but stay tuned for Part II--why are there so many intelligent women out there and who are they supposed to date?

Men and Shopping and Football

2009-11-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

Just some random thoughts as the Thanksgiving weekend comes to a close.
I was one of those crazy people who tried to go shopping on Black Friday. What's even crazier about it is that, as my friends know, I don't like to shop. In fact, I am very much unlike a woman when I shop. I have a list. I go to the stores that hold what I need. I look at the inventory. I make a decision, buy or not buy. And I leave. Usually very little indecisiveness. For that reason, I shop best alone or with others who are like me. I certainly don't shop well with the "typical" woman who lingers a bit. I think I must have just acquired a mutation on the shopping gene on both of my X chromosomes. (And perhaps that is also why I was able to so efficiently online date).
So, what amused me most on Black Friday (yes, even more than the hurricane that seemed to have hit the Shoe Dept at Macy's--and unfortunately shoes were on my list this year) was observing the men on that day.
There they were, men who stood around, holding shopping bags that weren't their's, playing games on their Iphone, and generally looking bored and out of place, sighing frequently. And, being sympathetic to them given my usual shopping repulsion, I wondered why their girlfriends, wives, partners dragged these poor souls out shopping on Black Friday. Cruel and Unusual Punishment, I would say.
All I have to say is, don't make me watch football with you on Thanksgiving day and I promise I'll never drag you out shopping on Black Friday. Deal?

Winning Online Dating Emails I got this week...

2009-11-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

So, I recently enlisted in online dating again. I imagine it's kinda like enlisting in the army...necessary yet a brutal experience...with this positive attitude, I'm sure I'm going on a lot of dates...My new approach is to be super-selective (there will be no 100 men in 2 years this time...in fact there may be none, and I would still be happy). I view online dating as a secondary mode of "putting myself out there..." I still meet plenty of "cool" (yet San-Francisco-flaky) men in real life....

For your pre-Thanksgiving entertainment, I wanted to include a couple of winning emails I have gotten from men already. Just an indication that quantity definitely isn't quality....

Email #1:

hello doctor

Hello There

How are you doing? I would like to speak with you and I live in sunyvale(Bay Area/South Bay). Can you please email me at *****at gmail dot com . I am working as Program Director in South Bay.
Cheers

[Name]

Really? Is this a business proposal? Do you know how to spell Sunnyvale?

Email #2:

hi i am angel

how are you. i wanted to intoduce myslef and see if we could chat.

C'mon. Please learn how to spell. What a lazy email.

Email #3:

Mount tam is beautifu.... What other places do you to hike at?

Take the same advice as the other guys....

Email #4

Hello

Nice profile!. How are you ? Hope you had good weekend. Please write back if interested, Thanks.

Poor grammar. Probably a chain email...

Email #5

come dancing with me..

and I promise we will have fun...and then we will do a yoga class together and compare which one rejuvenates us more...or if all that sounds too much we could just hangout over tapas and sangria and talk about our next travel plans..we are both lovers of life...we respect the spirituality but despise the idiosyncrasies of what we were brought up with...I think we will get along well....:-)..

The context is that this email was sent to me at 3AM on a weekday. My response: Are you serious? I don't even know you! This guy sounds a bit intense.

Sigh. Now I remember why it's taken me so long to get back online. Suffice to say, I'm not going on any dates soon, but I'm being adequately entertained (as are all my friends and all of you)...

Are You High-Maintenance?

2009-11-23T22:22:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was having a heart-to-heart about dating in San Francisco with a male Indian friend of mine. We had both recently made decisions to date "outside the race," for similar and different reasons. The truth is, the Indian community in San Francisco is much like a fish bowl--everyone knows everyone, and everyone talks about everyone. Shying away from this kind of invasion of privacy, we are both peering outside the fish bowl.
"Besides, Indian women in San Francisco are kind of high maintenance."
"Now, you're stereotyping a little, aren't you? By the way, you're sitting across the table from an Indian woman in San Francisco."
He smiled. Then I continued. "Although I do kind of agree with you. However, I also believe I don't fit into that category."
"You're right--you're not high maintenance, but most Indian women here are." He either truly believed this, or was trying to appease me....
"I think Indian men in this city want to be with women who are high maintenance, because it makes them feel loved, and needed and depended on. I'm too independent to care about that stuff."

I was highly amused by two things in this conversation: first that the two of us, being Indian man and woman, could sit across the table and fire stereotypes at each other in casual conversation; secondly, that in this era of feminism and political correctness, two smart, educated people were still comparing women to luxury cars. (All in jest and fun, though...)

So tonight, I got onto Wikipedia and typed in "high-maintenance." I was redirected to Wiktionary, and the following definition:

Describes a system which requires a high degree of maintenance to ensure proper functioning and without which it is likely to break down.
(figuratively, of a person) Who requires a lot of attention.
He has this incredibly high-maintenance girlfriend; if he doesn't tell her that he loves her every five minutes, she tends to break down into hysterical depressive weepy fits.

I find it just as amusing that Wiktionary decided to use "high-maintenance girlfriend" as an example.
Next I went to Google and started typing in "high mainte--" and there was "high maintenance definition" and a lot that related to "high maintenance woman..." Interesting. So, are men never high maintenance? Who defines this?

After looking around at several blog entries and articles, I decided I liked this one the best: High Maintenance/Lo Maintenance. He cleverly divides the category up into physical/emotional/financial. And also admits that many men dig these women. These are the women who always have makeup on, their hair is perfect, their nailpolish is never chipped, and they always care about what others are thinking of them. They seek attention and compliments, and often judge others on material and superficial attributes. Although it may seem like I'm being judgmental, I'm not--I'm just fascinated because I've never been one of these women. Nor do I think it's entirely fair to say that someone is "some way" all the time. But as long as we're talking about stereotypes, I would be very interested in knowing what the men--and women--think about dating with regards to "maintenance" types.

My theory is that most men say they want "low maintenance" but, on the other hand, are looking for that hottie in the mini-skirt with perfectly manicured nails and stiletto heels...Not sure you can have it both ways!

Does our technological world benefit dating or make it harder?

2009-11-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

Living in a world where my Iphone is always vibrating (I turn off the ringer), my pager is always beeping, and my four hundred facebook friends can find out what I had for breakfast and how my morning run went, I struggle between constant awe and overwhelming disgust at the role this technology plays in keeping me both connected and disconnected with others.

Living in a world where I go on a date and my date gets text messages or answers his phone in the middle of our conversation, I struggle with how to connect one on one with someone.

Living in a world that allowed me to coordinate a hundred dates in a couple of years while scanning through thousands of online profiles and rejecting hundreds of emails keeps me in awe of technology.

In the end, what we are all searching for is that connection with others--whether they be our friends, families, or lovers. And that connection--I find--is so much more beautiful when it can be treasured in the absence of interruption by technology. I write this even as I know that the only reason I can communicate it with the world is the existence of the very technology that I flee.

I am not sure what the answer is, but I do feel like this constant connection, this constant need to be connected somehow, to the world--through facebook, twitter, and the next-new-thing, takes away the precious moments I have with people. The precious moments that used to be shared and savored are now frequently interrupted by rings and buzzes and text messages.

My solution is to put away my phone. But what is yours? And can we continue this way?

What is the perfect pick-up line?

2009-11-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

The other day, I was minding my business, buying some ginger ale for a sick friend at the corner grocery store. The guy who was checking me out (no pun intended)--probably half my age--must've called me "sweetie" and "honey" about 15 times in the 2 minutes that I interacted with him. I was not feeling particularly hot at that moment, a little sweaty post-yoga still in my yoga clothes, and carrying about 30 pounds of groceries in a backpack from the local produce store. I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or insulted. And being "post-yoga" I retained my calm and thoughtful composure as I left the store.

But it started me thinking--what is a nice way to be hit on or picked up or complimented? And what makes me feel demeaned? I feel men have a lot to learn from this conversation, so I hope some of you are reading! And I think I am probably representative of most women, but women feel free to chime in too...

Things that make me fume:
1. Whistling or cooing at me from across the street.
2. Hissing at me (this is worse than #1)
3. Calling me "mamacita."
4. Following me around, especially when I've told you to go away. (This is especially scary when I'm in another country; for example India).

Things that make me go hmmm....
1. "Honey," "sweetie"...
2. Staring at my breasts while talking to me.
3. "Are you married?" Now why is this the first thing a strange man would ask me?
4. Brushing up against me "accidentally..."

Compliments that every girl doesn't mind:
1. "You're beautiful." (said in a sincere tone of voice without any aspects of the first list included).
Actually, the nicest compliment I have ever gotten was when I was minding my own business shopping at Walgreens and a man walked by me and said,
"Can I tell you something?"
"Sure," I said.
"I just want to tell you that you are absolutely gorgeous. I was walking by and just noticed."
"Thanks," I said, blushing crimson red.
And that was it. No asking me out, nothing further. That comment made my day, my week, my month...you get the point.
2. "You have a nice smile."
3. "You have beautiful eyes."
4. "You have nice energy." This must be a San Francisco hippie touchy-feely thing, but this line once got a guy at a gas station my phone number.

So layer on the compliments, hit on us--we like it--but especially when it's done in a classy and sincere manner...

Are You TALL enough for me?

2009-11-18T22:45:00.000-08:00

The quick answer is "probably yes." At least for this 5 foot 2 inch gal.

It doesn't cease to amaze me, though, how many conversations I have with friends of both genders about the height issue. It certainly makes me feel like short women and tall men have distinct advantages in this area.
We can say all we want about, "it's what's inside that matters," and "height doesn't really matter," and "look beyond the superficial." But the truth is, when a tall woman walks down the street hand-in-hand with a short guy, I know I'm not the only one that does a double-take. Admit it--it's rare. I love to see people defy convention, but there's got to be a reason it doesn't happen more often. Even in a city like San Francisco, where apparently every other convention is beat, where every day is Halloween, and drag queens and clowns skip down my street all the time. Why aren't there more tall women-short men couples?

I theorize there are a few reasons for this:
1. Women prefer men who are taller than them. Now, despite my prior comments, I do have to place myself in this category of women. I'm just lucky (aka short) enough to not have this be much of an issue with dating.
a) there's always the "I want to be able to wear heels" excuse. This is not my excuse as I'm much happier any day in running shoes than I will ever be in heels. In fact, I don't own nor do ever want to own, a proper pair of heels. But I suspect I'm in the minority here.
b) there has to be evolutionary pressure for this type of strong preference. For one, evolution has generally made men taller. Why is that? Men's height, muscle mass and body structure (and inability to bear children) makes them evolutionarily the "stronger" sex, the "providers." Despite the feminist revolution, evolution has not caught up. And so women naturally desire men taller than them, because they view them as "stronger," more able to provide.
I buy this more than the heel excuse. In fact, I once dated a man, (I'll nickname him Stick Man) who was a couple inches taller than me but probably weighed less than a hundred pounds. There was something very feminine about that, and in the end, I couldn't continue it for multiple reasons; one of them being that I think I could have very easily picked him up and given him a piggy back ride. On the other hand, a man who can pick me up and carry me--that's attractive (and yes, men, every woman likes that, so start working out!)

2. The other obvious reason for this preference is that men generally prefer women who are shorter than them. Now, maybe not short men, but that's because they feel stuck and feel like they don't have many options. But average-height to tall men tend to list their preferences for shorter women or women around their height or not much taller. Now why is this the case? Is it that they feel "more manly" or "stronger" around someone whose head they can see the top of? You'll have to tell me, because for some reason, most of my male friends are short. C'mon, don't be shy....

In this height contest, I often think it's my tall female friends and short male friends who lose out a little bit...now if only I could pair them up with each other....

Reflections on Being Single in San Francisco...

2009-11-17T23:16:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely day today. Wasn't working. Slept in until 8. Went to an amazing yoga class. Had a delicious Mediterranean lunch with a friend (outdoors, may I add). Then headed to Fort Funston, a beautiful enclave on the beach surrounded by cliffs that rise up into the misty fog. Hence the photo attached. Followed by a fabulous writing group meeting.

Much as the Carrie Bradshaw character in Sex and the City felt like she didn't need a partner if she had the loyalty and energy of New York City, so similarly I had this overwhelming feeling about San Francisco today. The natural beauty and energy of the city coupled with the friendliness of its diverse and liberal people make it a place I thrive in with vivacity. I often feel it is like heaven on earth. And when one is in heaven, who needs more?

And so today, as I walked along the beach with my friend in conversation about life, love, and the search for happiness, I realized how happy I am.

I, after all, dance in an eternal tango with the city I love.

To Go Indian or Not? Reflections on Inter-racial dating...

2009-11-16T23:10:00.000-08:00

Being of Indian heritage, I have over the years given a lot of thought to whether I "go Indian" or "go White." Of course there are many other choices, but somehow, my dating scenarios have usually boiled down to these two options.

In fact, my first two boyfriends were pasty-white--the first one a WASP whose ancestors came over here on the Mayflower (meaning as American as you can get), the other a Southern boy from Atlanta. And I was happy with them, despite the protestations of my Indian parents. Until my third (and most recent) boyfriend turned out to be Indian. This was somewhat intentional--I was online dating at the time and figured I might as well try out Indian men. It wasn't until this experience that I realized the type of connection and mutual understanding that was possible from this "sharing" of heritage. I didn't have to explain my history, my family values, my culture, my religion, my food, my immigrant perspective to him. There were just some things that were understood. And with this mutual understanding came a foundation for a relationship that moved forward.

After that relationship ended, I was determined to stick with Indian men. After all, the Bay Area was overpopulated with them--it couldn't be that hard. But in fact, it proved to be harder than I thought. Perhaps because I'm a more complicated Indian woman than they expect, perhaps for other reasons. In fact one of my Indian male friends even hinted that I should date non-Indians, as Indian men may not know what to do with someone like me. Point taken.

So here are my quicks pros and cons to dating within and outside my race (from the perspective of a modern Indian-American woman):
Pros of Dating Indian:
1. Won't think my food is too spicy
2. Will understand the inherent OCD craziness of my Indian family
3. May speak a couple of Indian languages, which would be nice to communicate with said family as well as pass on to our kids. Not to mention be able to communicate with me in a language no one else understands in a crowd of people we may be secretly talking about.
4. Will understand that being fiscally responsible means not treating the credit card bill like it's a free bank loan.
5. Will understand why every Indian parent is afraid of being chucked into a nursing home, and why taking care of aging parents is our obligation.

Pros of Dating Non-Indian:
1. We'll definitely have cuter kids. C'mon biracial kids are usually beautiful!
2. It's fun to get to know someone who has a different culture and perspective. In addition, it may make me more connected to my culture to have to actually make an effort to hold onto the parts that I like, and discard the parts that I don't.
3. Generally, these men are cuter.
4. Won't get stopped in the airport as a suspected terrorist every time we travel together.
5. He'll understand that my independence is not a challenge to his masculinity.

That's it for tonight...of course there are many more (serious) considerations. And as for now, I've decided to heed my friend's advice and be open to the world and color-blind.

Gold, Diamonds and Flowers, Part II....

2009-11-16T07:58:00.000-08:00

One of my readers posted a great article on the public health implications of Gold, Diamonds and Flowers as a followup to my posting yesterday: Flowers and Diamonds....are these really a girl's best friend?...much more eloquent and evidence-based than my writing. It reviews the environmental, human rights and public health (destructive) consquences of these common gifts. I recommend it as a good read, especially for anyone who feels the same way as me...
Symbols of Love: Flowers, Gold, and Diamonds – Human Rights Quarterly... well worth the read...

Next time, get me chocolates instead! :-)

Flowers and Diamonds....are these really a girl's best friend?

2009-11-15T16:39:00.000-08:00

I returned home last night around 10PM with my friend Tanya who was visiting from out of town to find a lovely bouquet of sunflowers on my front step. It was sweet and I was touched. Tanya, married with two kids and long past the days of courtship, was obviously intrigued that I had such an active single life that I received bouquets on my doorstep. But I knew who they were from. My neighbor, who woke me up at 430AM the night before with his blaring music. It was a nice apology, and all was forgiven.

I never used to be the kind of girl who needed flowers. Nor do I think I am now. I like flowers. Especially orchids. I am allergic to roses (ironically this is what I get most often). But to me, a deep-felt compliment, or a long hug, or genuine affection all have far more value than a bouquet of flowers. I am a fan of things money can't buy. Now that I am more "grown up" I admit I buy myself flowers every once in a while--it spruces up my place and adds a bit of color to it. And I am definitely touched when I get them as a romantic gesture. I just don't find it necessary. This probably has to do with how I express and receive affection. There is a book out there called "The Five Love Languages," and my primary "love language" is expressing affection through words (hence the writer in me:-)). The topics in this book are probably better for a separate post--to come soon.

I feel similarly about diamonds. The other night I was involved in a conversation with three other women about diamond rings, and whether we liked them and felt them necessary. This was as five men watched us, intrigued, like we were playing a soccer match, or perhaps even mud wrestling. And here again, I diverge from the mainstream. I don't need nor want a diamond. In fact, if I ever get engaged, I would prefer something unique. Everyone has diamonds. The commercialism that accompanies them is overwhelming to me. I want something original--every girl gets diamonds, and they are also so damn expensive. Why not take that money and travel around the world, or give it to the hospital I volunteered at in Guatemala? Of course, all the other women in the room disagreed with me--they want diamonds.

In this era where relationships and marriages are so transient, I guess at least one thing is forever. That diamond ring. Now that's something you can market...

What's the Best Online Dating Site?

2009-11-13T07:16:00.000-08:00

OK, so I haven't tried them all...but I've tried A LOT of them. Match.com, Eharmony, Yahoo Personals, Nerve, Indiandating, Shaadi.com, even craigslist (yes, I know, I know). And I have known friends who have met and gotten married (and are still married) from each of these sites. So they do work for some people apparently.

Just not yet for this one...except that now I have a book to boast about--and that's something, huh?

With a question like "What's the Best Online Dating Site," you have to know that I'm just offering you my opinion, and I'm neither typical nor desire to be like the average American. But here's my two cents, and I would love to hear yours.

Match.com: it's a numbers game. The Whole Entire Single World is on here. And they all know it too. Good luck getting someone to write back. But if you do, it's a site that offers a lot of potential information about your dates, and I've had the best dates with the most promising men off of this site.
Nerve: never tried it seriously but seemed a little goofy to me.
Yahoo Personals: a close friend of mine met her hubby on here in Houston, so there's hope. But I only met men who offered to get me drunk for our first date...hmmm, I wonder why I said no....
Eharmony: they nailed me on my personality. But where they went wrong was trying to match me with men who were almost exactly like me. Who thinks that it's a good idea for a compulsively organized structured person to date another just like herself? Gosh, I would throw myself off a bridge if I dated myself. Not that I'm that bad, but you know what I mean. I want someone who is laid back (or as my friends translate, someone I can boss around). But that's not how I see it.
Indiandating: there wasn't enough selection in the bay area for this to be worth a real try.
Shaadi.com. Yuck. Try logging onto this site. You'll be blinded by initials. "BS/BE/MS/OP/YADAYADAYADA from Bombay University"...WHO CARES? Most of the men on this site have literally stepped off the boat from India directly onto the shores of the San Francisco bay and want to impress me with their initials. I am sure that they won't be impressed by my independence. There are a few gems in here, but for the most part, an alphabet ocean.
Craiglist: really? One of my female relatives used to post ads on craigslist. She would post two ads--one stating what she was really looking for, and the other stating she was just looking for sex. Then she would delete all the males who would reply to both ads. Do I have to say more? Suffice to say, she met her boyfriend on Match.com.

IF I had to do online dating again, and that's big IF (although I have decided that come January 1st if I am still date-less and man-less I'm hopping back on) it would have to be Match.com. From all that I complain about it, I still think the highest quality of men and the highest potential for me to sieve them lies within this site. Sigh.

Are your feet date-able?

2009-11-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

As a companion topic to "are my hands date-able" I thought it only appropriate to spend some time reflecting on people's feet. This was the topic of a conversation at a dinner party I went to last night where I was telling some friends that I judge a man by his feet.

This may have to do with the fact that I tend to look at feet all day--I'm a primary care doctor after all, and need to examine the entire body. But more than that, a lot of people have foot complaints, and additionally, it is good medical care to look at the feet of diabetic patients, as that is where the problems first start.
So, suffice to say, I have seen my share of ugly feet in my lifetime.

Now by ugly, I don't mean genetically ugly. That is something we don't have control over--how long or fat our toes are (to an extent unless you're morbidly obese), how much hair is on them, how wide they are, how they are shaped. I don't judge as much on these characteristics.

But I do find that sometimes the feet are the tip-off to the state of the soul. Now, bear with me here as I get touchy feely. Looking at how someone takes care of their feet is a good indication of how they take care of themselves, and thus how capable they are of taking care of others in their lives. For example, do they have a fungal infection of the skin on their feet? Or worse yet, their nails? Do I really want these fungal feet in bed with me? (That was a rhetorical question, but just in case, my answer is a resounding NO!) Do they have cracked skin? Do they have calluses all over their feet? ( to a certain extent, this is somewhat attractive as it can mean they are actually physically active, but there's a limit to this). There are easy solutions to a lot of foot problems. However, as most men don't bare their feet (unlike women who often wear open toed shoes), you know that if they have nice feet, they pay attention to these little details, for themselves, as opposed to for anyone else. Now THAT is attractive.

So, yes, I judge many a man by their feet. Take a good look at yours tonight.

Are My Hands Date-able?

2009-11-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

Recently I was talking to a fellow doctor friend on the phone about our dry hands. I was telling her about my remedy--Aquaphor at night with cotton-lined gloves. "I want to have soft, date-able hands," I told her as I giggled. Most doctors don't have soft hands. Forced to wash them several times a day, as well as apply that very-drying alcohol-based antibacterial gel, this usual problem is even worse for those of us who operate. Scrubbing for surgery requires several minutes of brushing our hands with soap and a rough brush. At the end of a call night, my hands are screaming for remedy.

Me obsessing about my hands is indicative of our culture's obsession with trying to perfect superficial flaws about ourselves. Which is why the beauty industry (not limited to but including facials, facial creams, anti-wrinkle creams, Retin-A, bo-tox, plastic surgery) is thriving these days--thriving on people's insecurities. I have noticed that a lot of this buying and using of so many beauty products decreases logarithmically with how committed and enmeshed in a relationship my female friends are. For example, one of my friends, mother of two, said to me, "I barely have time to shower. There's no way I'm putting 3 different creams on my face."

This obsession with superficial physicalities is also indicative of our Sports-Illustrated, Glamour and Vogue magazine driven preoccupation with "beauty" as defined by the media. Beauty that lies skin-deep, in unwrinkled female faces, soft skin and softer hands. This is why women in their thirties are generally better looking than men in their thirties--due to societal pressure.

Although this is a silly topic, and I was somewhat joking about my date-able hands (it is also nice to have soft hands to interact with patients; and to tell you the truth, bleeding chapped hands are quite painful), even this gal who tends to try to avoid societal pressure in general, has been touched by this media frenzy in this small way...

Do You Cyberstalk? I do....

2009-11-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

Thought with that title, you had to look. So, let me start with a very interesting article about what your Facebook online photos say about your personality.
As a previous (and hopefully never again) online dater (although never say never...) I agree that one can tell a lot from someone's photos. And these days, a lot of people have open Facebook profiles, so it wasn't hard for me to be writing to someone online, find our their first name, and easily find them on facebook, scour their FB profile for the "real info" and then decide whether I wanted to go out with them.
With online dating, people have control over what information they put out there (although I have to argue that as a professional online dater I can read between the lines of text and see through the photographs of many a man). For example, I still don't understand the men who post a photo of themselves with their ex-girlfriend cropped out of it, but pieces of her blond hair or her arm still on them. Do men not know this is an obvious red flag? Can they not get somebody to take a solo photo of them? Women aren't as guilty of doing this but at least 20% of men's online profiles suffer from this egregious error.

Anyways, I digress. My point being that it is very easy to cyberstalk these days. Yes, there's always Google. But better than Google is Facebook. What photos are up of this person? What are they doing? Are they drinking in almost all of them? (turn off) Do they have outdoor hobbies? (nice) Who do they hang out with? Do they have diverse friends or are all their friends of just one ethnic group? Are they ever smiling? (hopefully) And what about those comments? What do their friends comment on? And are their friends crass or articulate? And do you have any mutual friends? If so, who are they, and can you call them up and get more information?

And remember Friendster? I bet you still have a Friendster profile out there...I recently just made mine private although it never had that much info to begin with....I have to admit that I have spied on many a person via Friendster as a lot of these profiles are open, and not kept up to date...

So if my post makes you go change your privacy settings on your Facebook profile, or delete your Friendster profile, so be it...or maybe you'll just post some new photos in which you're smiling more...

The push to have babies...

2009-11-07T13:35:00.000-08:00

Fertility surrounds me all day. I take care of pregnant women, children, deliver babies. In addition, many of my close friends are mothers, and I "aunty" to their adorable kids. So, in some senses this is a subject I have given a lot of thought to.
I have also seen this so-called "ticking" of my friends' biological clocks in their thirties, the inner drive to reproduce, to "get on with it" and have kids. One of my close friends who was baby-crazy herself a year ago before she had her son used to say to me, "You'll know. When you reach 35, you'll feel that push too." Back then, I told her I didn't think I would. And now, just months away from that magic age, I feel perfectly happy to still be an "aunty." In fact, there is nothing magic about the age 35 other than the fact that it is considered medically "advanced maternal age" (a term even medical practice is moving away from as people start reproducing later and later in life). It is the age at which your age-related risk of having a child with Down's Syndrome equals the risk of having a miscarriage if you have an amniocentesis. That's it.

So having watched this baby-craziness in so many people, here are my observations: there are basically four categories of (single) women in their thirties as far as it comes to reproduction (and yes, I am stereotyping and understand there can be nuances):
1. Baby crazy, seeking partner. I must have a baby soon. I don't want to do it alone. I must find a husband soon. Meet suitable man who is also ready for a relationship and baby. Get married fast, or just start reproducing and then deal with the marriage thing later. Happiness and babies abound.
2. Baby crazy, partner not necessary. I can do this alone. Who needs men anyways? I'll just go to a club and get knocked up, or I'll do IUI (intra-uterine insemination) with sperm bank sperm. This is the time to have a baby. Men can come or go later, but I'm going to lose my window if I wait. Back in my twenties, I used to think I would be in this category. I even have a male friend (gay, hot, Italian) who still asks me if I want his sperm to have a baby anytime soon. Not yet, I say. Not now.
3. Not baby crazy, don't want babies. Believe it or not, there are women who decide they don't want children. For them too, this is a difficult choice, especially if they are partnered. Society expects married couples to reproduce, so they need to constantly explain their choices.
4. Would love to have babies, but can wait. Biological clock not ticking yet. Don't know why because everyone else's is. Having fun, loving life, looking for a partner. More important that I take my time in finding the right relationship and nurturing it for a while when I am in it, and babies can come later. If I miss my window, then Oh Well. There's always adoption. This is my favored category, at least for the moment...

I attach no judgment to any of these categories. I have friends in all of them, and they each do it the right way--because it is their way, and they are all happy. This speaks to the power of reproductive choice--and diversity--in our society.

Is Age Just a Number?

2009-11-04T19:06:00.001-08:00

When it comes to dating in our thirties, everyone seems to have preferences about age. How old do you go? And how young? Nowhere is this more obvious than in the online dating world where we have to pick an upper and lower age limit.
I have a male friend who is in his upper thirties. However, the upper limit of women he will date is several years below his own age. His excuse is that he feels all women his age want to get married and have children quickly but he's not ready for that. Whether or not he's right about that, I pointed out to him that he's age-biased against his own age, and that even younger women looking at his profile online may be turned off.

There is a friend of mine who dated a guy who listed himself as 38 but was actually 42. He was looking for young thirties women, "because their eggs are fresher," and was willing to lie about his age to get them.

My personal preference would be to date a man in his thirties. Men younger than 30 these days, for the most part, don't really know what they want. (I dated a 28 year old a year ago, trying to keep an open mind, and re-discovered the truth in this.) Men older than 40, especially if they've never been married before, signal a red flag in my mind. Of course, these are just my personal preferences. I know many women in their thirties who will only date men in their forties, because they feel they are more mature and decisive.

When it comes to age and fertility, I should point out the fact that fertility declines in both males and females with age. Just like my eggs are aging everyday, so are your sperm. Thus I am highly amused by the older males who seek out "fresh-egged" females. But alas, guess you can't change thousands of years of evolution so easily...

Can you change someone?

2009-11-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, when I was younger, fresher, more naive, and definitely less wise about life, I was also idealistic enough to think that I could change people--specifically, the men I dated seriously. Today, older, wiser, and a bit more wrinkled with life's bumps, I feel like the only people I try to change are my patients. And even with that I realize that major life behavioral changes are initiated from within a person, and take the utmost of motivation to initiate and then follow through with.

I also used to feel that a messy person could be made neater, a disorganized person more organized, an unemotional man more emotional, an out-of-shape person more active, and so on. Now I don't believe that anyone can change. Almost never. Or at least that it's not my job to change them.

Instead of a depressed resignation about this revelation, I have felt a certain sense of relief. No, I can't change you. I accept you for who you are. And I choose to date you despite that. Or no, I can never deal with that in a partner--why don't we be friends?

Because of this, I find it highly amusing when my female friends talk to me about major "personality flaws" they want changed in their boyfriends/husbands/partners. There is a saying that goes, "Before marriage, a woman thinks a man is going to change, but he doesn't. He thinks she'll never change, and she does."

Life is too short to not accept each unique person for who we each are (with the exception, perhaps, of serial killers, rapists, etc.). So I resign myself to being imperfect, and resign myself to loving the flaws both within myself, my friends, and the men I date. For it is these imperfections which make us vulnerably human, and thus beautiful.

Transitions

2009-11-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

As autumn beckons (even in temperate San Francisco), the air feels a bit cooler, the days grow noticeably shorter, and darkness invades our spirits before we even exit the work day, I feel this is an appropriate time to discuss transitions. Specifically transitions in and out of relationships, but the metaphor can be carried to any situation of change. The truth is that humans are routine-based creatures. We are naturally change-averse, and some of us even more so than others (myself included in that sometimes inflexible group). Life with a structure and rhythm has a certain sense of ease about it. The chaos of traveling to foreign lands throws us off our feet, disturbs our routines, and causes monumental personal growth in beautiful ways (which is why I travel). I wonder if that is also why people are more open to others, and consequently—to love—when we travel.

Which invariably brings me to the topic of dating. I have recently been having conversations with a couple of friends who seem to be in the process of breaking up and letting go, and a couple of others who are considering entering new relationships. Both sets of friends are having equal difficulty. I also have historically had a hard time transitioning in and out of relationships. The “out” is more obvious than the “in.” Accustomed to love and companionship, break-ups are hard on everyone. The thought of facing a Saturday night alone, or waking up in my bed alone, or traveling alone—all these fill me with dread as I exit a relationship. However, when I am comfortably single, I look forward to each one of these privileges.

Transitioning from single life—where I am in control of my schedule, my routine, who I spend time with, where I go, what I do next, and considering others only in my routine as it (selfishly) pertains to myself—to a relationship has always been considerably challenging. Once I am in a relationship I am totally happy and couldn’t imagine myself any other way, but the change-over is bumpy. Trying to negotiate the ins-and-outs of everyday details with the people we like—or even love—demands patience, understanding, time and energy. And quite a bit of selflessness. Or rather, giving up the accustomed-to selfishness of single life. So, as I discuss their potholes in the road in and out of relationships, I say to my friends that I understand. The grass may be greener, but reaching the grass sometimes involves trudging through knee-high snow.

Companionship on the Path of Single...

2009-10-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

Strolling up College Avenue near Berkeley on the Friday night before Halloween tonight, seeing young college kids getting their groove on for Halloween brought back an immense wave of nostalgia from my own college days.
A friend and I were taking a walk after a nice dinner. Lucky for me, I'm having a good night on call--no babies yet although the moon is almost full and Halloween beckons...it's just a matter of time.

We immediately started reminiscing about college days...How easy it was then to meet and get to know people, to feel at ease with a group of friends, to feel a sense of community, to drop by whenever, to have fun...And then suddenly, we realized...We do all that now. In essence, we are just college kids with money. And perhaps a little older, and hopefully a bit wiser. But we do have that special group of friends, some single, some coupled, some always in transition from one to another status. And there is a sense of comfort, of companionship, of protective friendship. Perhaps it is because we live in a small city, or perhaps because we have common interests, or perhaps because we have somehow found each other through the chaos. But it's a wonderful feeling. A feeling of not feeling alone, or lonely, of always having some type of companionship. And I theorize that that may be one of the reasons we all feel so comfortable being single. We're not lonely, we're perfectly happy, and there's not much impetus to push us forward because we all accompany each other on the Path of Single.
Not that we don't talk about it, or wish it. We all do. But we all can chat and hang out until the sun rises, like those college days. Perhaps we're a bit less naive...or maybe I should just speak for myself. Back in those days, having had very little experience with dating, and being solidly committed to a long-term relationship early in my college career, I became close friends with many males. I wonder now, sometimes, what if...what if I had been single then instead of single now? Would I be different? Would I be with someone? But then I remember...the path that brings me here, to this place, to this time, to this city, has been so beautiful because it has been my own journey--of love, and healing, and self-discovery...and then once again, I feel lucky to be surrounded by a community of such wonderful souls...

Are there any other men out there like Obama?

2009-10-30T10:57:00.001-07:00

I was reading the NYT magazine article on the Obama marriage (a good read BTW) this morning on my Iphone while on BART (Ah,yes, the wonders of technology) and I found myself thinking...are there any other men out there like Obama?
Although being with an ambitious man always has its challenges, what I admire about their relationship is the equality that they seem to have, their mutual adoration, and the fact that he is a man that can deal with a strong woman...and I totally adore her too!
Any thoughts?

Going back online: some personal reflections

2009-10-28T21:10:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been flirting with the idea of online dating again. I feel as if my love life offline is a series of fragrant rose-lined convoluted paths which always lead to cul-de-sacs. Meaning the scenic journey is always lovely, but I've entered a state of not expecting much from anyone. Ah, such is the singles scene in San Francisco.

At least when you're online, you definitely know it's a date. Otherwise I feel like it's anybody's guess. For a girl who's writing a book about serial dating, I haven't been living up to my reputation lately. In fact, I've only been on 2 official dates in the past 6 months. They were polar opposites.

One was an EHarmony date back in May with a fireman. As soon as I met him I realized why all the photos in his profile were body shots (hot) and not close up shots (hmmm). No chemistry, but very nice guy. Sensing that something was off, he overcompensated by over-talking and feeling guilty, I just kept smiling. The more he talked, the more I smiled. Finally, I had to end the date after the requisite hour. My mouth felt like an orthodontist had placed a huge ceramic mold into it for hours. I had to go home and massage my face. My friend Saskia joked with me, "That's when you know you're being insincere--when your face hurts from smiling." Poor guy. Sent me a followup email telling me he thought I was cute but sensed that we had no chemistry.

The other date was with a man who got my number at a bar. On the first date, it was obvious there was only one thing on his mind. Once he realized that he wasn't getting it, he started making references to his alcohol problem, and then confessed that he had already planned out which 4 drinks he was going to have after our date that night. I advised him to join AA. To make it worse, I ran into him a month later, didn't recognize him, and asked him where I knew him from...

In reviewing my recent (scarce) date history, I think I am going to stick with offline for now. Chemistry-less dates with nice guys are so much more discouraging than chemistry-filled dates with men who don't know what they want, even if they are alcoholics...maybe it's this attitude that keeps me single in the first place?

Besides everytime I log onto Match.com, I feel an uncontrollable wave of nausea...

Is dating easier if you're gay?

2009-10-27T11:28:00.001-07:00

I live in San Francisco, after all. A good percentage of my friends are gay. And I wonder, glancing around myself, and having conversations with some of them, how the dynamics of the dating game differ with sexuality in a large city like San Francisco.

First off, I need to acknowledge that being gay in today's world is not an easy task, just like being different in any other way--like disabled, or an immigrant, or of any particular discriminated ethnic background--is not easy. People judge you for being different; society tries to force adherence to the norm of the majority. And I am a full supporter of gay rights in every way. But this post is not about that. This post is about the dating game, at the point before society gets involved. And specifically about the dating game in a place like San Francisco, where being gay often feels like it may even be the norm.

From my observations, gay men seem to have it pretty easy. Often lascivious by nature (with research that has shown that the average male has sex on his mind more than the average female, although sometimes I wonder about that), men who like men can pick each other up by simply making eye contact. Or so it seems. I was once walking down the street in the infamous Castro district, crossing at a green light. A hot-looking Asian gay man was walking just steps in front of me. A tall Caucasian man in a tight T-shirt crossed the other way. They must've exchanged looks, because next thing I know they are each checking each other out, turning around in opposite directions. Then the white man turns around and walks up to the Asian man and they start chatting. I hide in my straight female shell trying to look invisible, wanting to be a fly on the wall, smiling to myself. Within less than two minutes they have exchanged phone numbers. I am always impressed by efficiency. If only the heterosexual world operated like that. Ironically, I must've been smiling so much that a guy drove by in his car, honked at me and told me I had a beautiful smile. But he didn't succeed in getting my number.

So why doesn't the heterosexual world operate so efficiently? Because males and females are wired different biologically. There is a great book, "The Female Brain," by LouAnn Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist at UCSF who explores brain science from a neuro-hormonal perspective, and explains the biological and hormonal perspective of how women behave through their life cycle, from newborns to little girls, through puberty, motherhood and menopause. It is a fascinating read. Some of this neurohormonally based biological behavior definitely influences the mating game between men and women. Specifically, communication becomes more important, and when one has to use communication to attract mates (rather than just making eye contact crossing the street), the game becomes more complicated.

From talking with my lesbian friends, female-female dating seems even more complicated. Us women, simply put and no pun intended, are just more complex creatures in many ways. And when communication and emotional connection are put at the forefront of dating (which is how some of my female friends have explained it, although I am open to being proved wrong), well then it's more than a just matter of if you want to jump into bed with someone.

I would love to continue this conversation with all of you, as I'm fascinated by these trends and complexities...

Red Flags, aka Vulnerability Part II

2009-10-25T12:55:00.001-07:00

Given that I've been dating or a in a relationship basically half my life now, I--like most of you--have my radar out for "red flags."
We all know what these are--small pieces of information that we learn about our dates, despite knowing very little else about them at time, that signal very large storms looming in the horizon. And each of us, being unique individuals, have unique red flag alerts. For me, and at least some of my female friends, a big waving red banner is when a man in his thirties admits he has never been in a long-term committed relationship.

For this, I will reference a conversation I recently had with one such single male friend. He referred to this red flagging of him as ludicrous, and referred to himself as "a new car in a used car lot." So, does past relationship baggage weigh us down or does having been in a vulnerable state liberate us to do it more smoothly the next time around?

Well, this brings me to a comment posted by a very inquisitive woman on my last post about Vulnerability:
The origins of this must also be examined. Where does this fear of vulnerability stem from? Is it just our first instinct as living beings to protect ourselves? Did we learn this from our families of origin? How has the media and technology played in this belief as well?

My personal observation as a physician who takes take of lots of babies, and as "auntie" to many others is that we are all born beautifully vulnerable. Naked, hungry and wet, a newborn relies on his parents for food, shelter and clothes. So at what point do we turn the corner and start fearing opening up? And what experiences cause this? Experiences with our family growing up. Experiences in romantic and non-romantic relationships. And do we get more jaded the older we get, or is "cautious" a better euphemism?

And to my friend who thinks he's a new car amongst all us used cars, I say there is nothing like the comfort and sense of reliability I felt after I realized that my Camry was able to drive me across the country from Boston to San Francisco.

vulnerability

2009-10-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

In a late night conversation with a male friend of mine, I asked him why he was still single. Cute, smart, but emotionally unavailable, he answered my question exactly as I expected.
"Because I don't want to have to rely on someone else."
"What do you mean by that?"
"If I rely on someone else, then I may get hurt."
"So you're afraid of getting hurt, and for that reason you won't put yourself in a position of vulnerability?"
"I'm not afraid of it. I just don't want it."
"But there's a certain level of intensity you can experience with people when you make yourself vulnerable."
"Yes, but I can get what I need from relationships without letting myself get to that level."

Despite his denial, I will insist that this is fear of vulnerability. And fear is something we all struggle with. As a practicing yogi, the poses that cause the most fear in yoga class are the inversions. Initially "unable" to do these practices of headstand, handstand, forearm stand when I started yoga, now that I can get myself upside down, I realize the part fear played in my initial struggle.

Love, and vulnerability in a relationship, is much like inverting ourselves in yoga. We are in a place where we have a changed perspective, where we experience a thrill, from where we may fall--and fall hard at that. I think this fear of vulnerability is often what keeps people from initiating a relationship, but it is also widespread in existing relationships--people keeping each other at arm's length, not digging deeper for fear of revealing too much, from fear of ultimate rejection.

Perhaps this is another thing that keeps people single in large cities. This ability to have superficial or even, semi-deep relationships with many many people without digging in deep with that one person. And I'll have to say, I think this fear, although often attributed to men, is just as prevalent among women...

Location, location, location

2009-10-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of conversations in the past day or so centered around how far to travel for love. Now, metaphorically speaking, I think we are all willing to travel far. But what about practicallly speaking?
There was an interesting NYT article (thanks Lara!) about this just a couple of days ago entitled "When Love is a Schlep"
Here in the Bay Area, location is a consideration. For example, there are city snobs (such as me, well sometimes actually) who live in the city, and play in the city. Even though I schlep myself across a bridge to get to work, usually it is on BART, and even when I'm driving it is often quite fast in the middle of the night to go catching babies. I am not a fan of driving. Unless we are going for a hike on Mt. Tam.

When I first moved to the bay area, I lived in Oakland and was dating someone in San Francisco. Given that I had moved from Boston, I felt a bridge was infinitely better than a six hour flight to see my honey. Too quickly did I realize the culture of this place. If you lived in the city, people came to see you. If you lived outside of the city, you traveled to see people. In the six months that I lived in Oakland, I can probably count less than ten times that someone came to visit me (and yes, that includes my boyfriend at the time), whereas I happily dragged myself across the bridge into San Francisco every other day.

Now it gets even more complicated than that. People who live in the city tend to want to stick to their neighborhoods. This is both because a lot of people don't have cars, those that do dread parking, public transportation is not so convenient to many, and most neighborhoods have everything you could want from restaurants to bars, to laundromats, grocery stores, you name it. And each neighborhood has its own distinct culture. For example, those who live in the Mission don't mix with the Marina-type. And so on.

Since dating within the city itself can be complicated (but possible)--hey it's really only 7x7 miles, imagine the distance and stereotypes one must deal with to date outside of the city. My friend Ajay recommended the other day that I consider dating "down South," meaning the peninsula. "The Peninsula!" I exclaimed. That's so far. Not only do I view it as far geographically (a 45 minute drive in no traffic--yes, this is coming from someone who once had a coast to coast relationship) but I've dated those peninsula guys before. They want a big suburban house with a white picket fence and three kids and a dog, and complain everytime they come into San Francisco because they can't find parking. After all, I'm a city girl! Can I date a suburban guy?

This brings me back to my first post. The options are so limitless that we often set silly limits for ourselves. Like, I will date up to 15 miles from San Francisco...but what if the love of my life lives 16 miles away? Then what? Geography, really, is just one of many barriers we create in our minds to compartmentalize our interactions with people, and to facilitate the busy lives we lead. Back in the sixteenth century, forty miles was a long distance by horse and carriage; today, given that we have the technology to move further, faster, many of us are still making choices to date within our own "villages." Whether that's a regression, or a return to our basic human roots is hard to tell....

First Dates...

2009-10-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

What is the perfect first date?
Now let's ask that question another way...
What is the perfect first blind date (meaning you've never met that person)?
[Just as an aside, I will tell you that when I was dating online in Boston, my first online date was with a blind man...more on that in my book:-)).

The reason I ask this question is that a few men have asked me recently for my advice on this matter. Somehow, just because I'm writing a book on serial online dating, I have become some kind of expert. That--I find funny. But back to the topic.

A close friend of mine who hasn't really dated in a couple of years (or at least that's what his memory says although I remember differently) asked me this question today as he is being set up with a friend of a friend. They were introduced over email, and he was asking me where he should take this woman to dinner. My question to him was, "Why do you want to go to dinner?"

Which brings me to a conversation I was having with a couple of men I had just met at a singles party I organized a couple of weeks ago. They were asking me for the three things NOT to do on a first date. My usual disclaimer is that every woman is different, so my advice may not apply to anyone else, and that most of my dates have been blind dates, and I would feel very differently going on a date with someone I had already met and was interested in. So, given that, top 3 things to not do on a blind date:
1. Try to not make it last more than an hour. It is exhausting to spend that much intense time with someone you don't know. Now having said that, I'll also tell you that I have a sister who, when she was online dating, would go on 7-8 hour epic long first dates. But that's her, this is me.
2. Make eye contact. I cannot tell you how many dates I have had where the men look at their tea or ice cream.
3. Do not forget your wallet. Yes, unfortunately this too has happened to me.

So, my final advice to my dear friend was to go for a wine bar that served small plates. That way, it was wine with the option of dinner without calling it dinner, meaning low pressure. Low pressure gives him the opportunity to impress more the second time if it goes well, and to not overwhelm her with his presence on the first date.

What about you? What kind of first dates do you prefer?

On a more serious note...

2009-10-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

What kind of man would push his one year old and the mother of his child out of a moving car? Perhaps, sadly, this is what my patient needed to finally have happen to her to leave this situation without regrets. A year ago, two weeks after the birth of said child, this man tried to strangle her and I filed a physician's police report. She answered in the affirmative when I asked her if he had a gun in the house. I encouraged her to leave him. She stayed.
Even today, though, the decision is not without consequence. Crying quietly in the exam room, she asks me for a reference letter so she can move to a new apartment where she can split the rent with her sister, where he won't be able to find her. She is unsure if she can afford to buy the next package of Pampers for her child; she IS sure that he will never pay child support.
Although I can say much about this situation--the unfairness of domestic violence, the power imbalance between genders, the hierarchy of control--I'll leave it at this...So many relationships have such inherent imbalance, whether it be outright domestic violence, or some other inequity that eventually causes them to break down...Given the divorce rate in our society, how does one search for--and then nurture and treasure--balance in a relationship?

Dating In San Francisco

2009-10-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

Dating in San Francisco is like being a kid in a candy store. Or at least that's what it looks like to men and women who live in some other part of the country. Admittedly, San Francisco is a beautiful place to live that attracts fit, good looking people who are active outdoors year round. And being San Francisco, the liberal mecca of the U.S., there tend to be more open-minded (yes, same as liberal in my book) folk around. To further generalize, people who are liberal tend to be better educated, more intellectual, more career-focused in their twenties, and voila--often still single in their thirties and even forties. San Francisco has a rocking vibrant singles scene--multiple happy hours every night of the week, lots of meetup.com groups, and just many many options of amazing things to do everyday, from hiking the great outdoors, to multiple film festivals, to music and literary events, wine tasting, food festivals.
So then what's the problem you say? Why are there so many single people here and more importantly, why is it so difficult to find a boyfriend or girlfriend? And my answer is--too many choices. That candy store has a million different flavors of candy, and the poor kid is running around sampling one candy after another, wondering if the next one is even more delicious...I mean how do you think I managed to date about a hundred men in 2 years (the current working title of my book?) More on that later....

Any thoughts? I would love to hear them! Thanks for reading my first post!